December 2019
Scrolling through my FB newsfeed, I came across an article that mentions a virus making people sick in China and affecting the respiratory system, especially lungs. Hearing that makes my heart skip a beat, but I assure myself it’s in China, not in the US and not anywhere near California. BTW, I’m not selfish ,but I love my family too much.
A few days later I hear more news/stories about the so-called “Coronavirus”. Now I’m really scared. This can’t come here in the US.
We have been dodging Flu season with utmost forethought. But this is so dangerous. To give you some context, my husband who was a healthy adult until the fateful month of Oct 2018. He developed a cough, which won’t go away. First medical professionals thought it was Pneumonia. After 2–3 weeks, when things took a turn for worse, he had a CT scan which showed he has scarrings of lungs also known as ILD. This was caused by Auto-Immune . In most people, RH causes joint pain and degeneration, but in his case, his lungs were being attacked and got scarred. This was a life-altering event in our lives. Since then he is lucky to be able to work from home, but his mobility is very limited. He cannot walk without Oxygen too far , he has this persistent cough which makes him very tired. On top of it.whenever his joints pain flares up it does double damage. He will eventually need a double lung transplant.
Jan 2020.
Driving to work every day I see a billboard which reads” Pray for Wuhan”. I said a quiet prayer. Also, I pray this virus never comes anywhere near us, because this will means a death sentence for my husband. Now almost 1.5 years have passed since he first got diagnosed, he is losing his fight with ILD. His lung function test comes drastically worse every time. His lung capacity is almost one -fourth of what a regular human being has.
Feb 2020
After our last visit to UCSF, he has been recommended by the doctors to enlist for a double lung transplant. We have been stalling, buying some time. Getting prepared as much for our life when he undergoes the transplant.
Our older one is a high school junior, the most important year in any highschooler’s educational journey. Also, who is going to take care of our kids while I stay for close to two months with him in San Francisco as his primary caregiver? There are a good number of friends who have assured us to help us in times of need. Still too many uncertain logistics. But we can’t escape the reality, which is to list for transplant as soon as possible
We put our financial stuff in line, prepare ourselves mentally to get on the list, as when we agree to get on the list, we will be on our toes. Any call at any time of day or night might say, “ We think we found the right lungs for you” and we will have to rush to UCSF.
Fast forward to the third week of Feb, I started hearing the news about people testing positive with Coronavirus here in the Bay area and most of them in Santa Clara County, where we reside. Now I’m alarmed. It is becoming scarier day by day. I keep thinking if my husband gets it, there is no way he going to survive it. The thought makes me shudder. I try to change my thought process, but the fear has made a home in my mind.
March 2020
Things are looking gloomier. I started going for grocery shopping early in the morning or just before closing to avoid any crowds, but every sneeze and cough makes me want to hide in a hazmat suit. Now I’m paralyzed with fear, I’m not thinking right. I start hating going to work, I avoid mingling with people. I cannot concentrate on work.
March 9th, 2020
I drive to work. The traffic is much lighter than usual. Still there are a lot of people at work .We all sit close by, the usual office space plan, anyone who sneezes or coughs just sends me again in the worrying mode. My mind is wandering to thoughts which I should not think. I’m faking smiles, trying to laugh, but inside I’m scared. I drive back home but kept thinking about what’s gonna happen now, self-isolation seems not just a far fetched thought, but a grim reality. Later in the night, I made up my, I can’t go to work for now. I need to stay at home. it’s too risky for me, for my husband and my family. We can’t afford to get sick. I can’t afford to get sick with Covid-19. What if I get infected and don’t have any symptoms, and in turn what if he gets sick and my mind shudders at the thought of unthinkable. I have a tangled web of thoughts in my head.
March 10th,2020
Kids still have school. I drop them to school and hope and pray that everyone stays safe and healthy.I told at work that I will be taking time off for the week. But it still worried me that kids are going out. We need to go in “SELF ISOLATION” now for the sake of my husband’s health.
March 11th, 2020
Thankfully my son’s school announces closure, but my other kid still has school. Hoping they close soon, or I have to keep kids at home even if the school chooses to keep them open. I’m wondering why everyone is taking so much time to shut down everything. We should be rushing to close everything. I decided to venture to Costco. Hearing all the stories of long lines, I have avoided going until now , but now I have to go. We are almost out of milk . I go at night just ten minutes before they close to get milk, and whatever else I could remember. Now I feel I should have picked up a few more things. Coming out of the store and touching the packages, cart, receipt,I feel the fear…what if I touched something which I should have not. Frantically I try sanitize my hands and the car. Then I remember I forgot to buy sanitizer, we don’t have a good amount at home. Now no going back. We will see. I fill up gas in the car. People might be going crazy after sanitizer and toilet paper, for us it’s gas , God forbid if we have to rush in emergency to UCSF, we have enough gas to make the trek.
March 12th, 2020
It’s my b’day. Dropped my younger one to school and on the way stopped at Trader Joes’. It’s quite early, they just opened. There is everything stocked in the store. Still quite crowded. It’s the crowd which makes me jittery. I try to shop at fast as possible… still forgot to get few things which I remembered while driving back home. That’s ok. I just wanted to get out of there. As soon as I reach home, I unload everything in the garage, removed my jacket, socks, shoes etc..put them in the washer,take a shower the first thing. Can’t give any germs or virus a chance to escape. This has been the routine whenever I step out. My only wish for my b’ day this year is that by next year around this time things get back to normal. We overcome the Coronavirus and my husband undergoes a successful double lung transplant. I have a souvenir magnet on my fridge from my trip two years back to “Butchart Gardens” in Victoria, Canada. I keep imagining that next year we will all be able to go again there. My kids & my husband and me walking in the Gardens, he will not need oxygen anymore . He doesn’t feel shortness of breath. He is able to climb stairs. He is annoyed at me for asking 100th time to take a picture of me with flowers. Everytime I close the fridge, I imagine us there, hope this comes true. Life will be perfect, like before …soon..
March 13th, 2020
I make one last trip to get some flour, lentils, and rice from the Indian grocery store, as we are really running low. I curse myself for not stocking these items earlier. I hate going for groceries, now even more. Thankfully there are not many people, but also not many things left. But I still manage to get some lentils, rice, and a few other perishables. I decided to stop by to get some more things from nearby grocery store , good they are about to close so fewer crowds. I dash in and out. I see people stocking up on TP etc. I have made a promise that I will not buy TP until I really need it.
March 17th, 2020
I think I got the date right. These days/dates have mashed together in my mind. We have Shelter-in-place, which I think we need to get the numbers of cases to go down. Last night I and my kids played “Wikipedia” , the board game. We laughed. It was a nice break from thinking about the groceries and all the other depressing stuff. Looking at my pantry, food items seem to be manageable at this point. Everyone in the family especially kids are aware that we will be rationing food and everything else. No one is suppose to waste any food or anything else as a matter of fact. When we run low on the household items, I give a try to online grocery ordering. I think this will be the norm of life from now. Some nights I touch my husband’s hand just to reassure myself he doesn’t have a fever.
March 20th,2020
None of us have ventured outside in almost a week, but no complaints. I hear people complaining about how their kids are getting bored, how they had to cancel this event or that exam or working from home is such an annoyance, that’s ok you can crib and complain, but please follow the social distancing guidelines for others who are not lucky enough to complain about these trivial things. These are tense times for us , not a vacation which we are enjoying. There are people, families for whom it’s a matter of life and death. I’m worried each day for all of us because this is no walk in the park. This is walking the tight rope across Grand Canyon and I’m an amateur. I’m thankful and grateful I don’t have to go out to work and I feel for all those families who have it much harder than us.
I just want to go back to the good old days of crazy commutes, hectic days juggling work and kids, running around like a zombie to gazillion extra-curricular activities of kids. I promise I won’t complain. Just give me back my peace of mind. I now realize how priceless it is
